L.A.'s Finest

The weather out here has been pretty nice lately. Unless otherwise noted, you can pretty much pencil in L.A. for sunny, high of 75, low 58. This week it got into the low 80's, so Bubba and I decided to get to the coast and the beach a lil' Saturday. We started with a top down ride up the PCH, you know, to feel the wind flowing in our hair, kind of thing. Problem was, everyone else had the same idea, so the PCH was a might crowded. Instead of my corkscrew curls flowing indiscriminately, my hair stood still, leaving me to recognize just how much the California sun seems to be increasing, and/or highlighting my greying mane.


Ever the gawker though, I couldn't help but notice what was going on along the Malibu stretch of beach. Real-life Baywatch. No joke. I could see a lifeguard in the Pam Anderson red bathing suit, holding her post from the lifeguard tower. Binoculars and everything. Then, I spy this low flying helicopter, riding the coast, I'm assuming in search of struggling swimmers. But flying with the intensity and urgency of a Vietnam napalm bomber.

Then, when Bubba and I got back to Santa Monica, we parked the car for a while, and strolled around for a while. We decided to at least dip our toes in the water and on the sand, since we were there and all. And what do I see, but TWO policemen in full gear, on dune buggies, making sure things stayed in control along the beach. I got to thinking, "what could possibly represent, 'things being out of control?'" Open coolers with beer in them? The occasional smoker (it's illegal on the beach there)? A kid with a sand castle tower that violates local building codes? I picture one of these cops coming up to a 6 year-old, and billy-clubbing 4 inches of his sand castle off until it's up to snuff.

I used to see this back in South Orange, NJ. Bored out of their mind cops assigning completely exaggerated importance to inconsequential "transgressions.' I'll never forget, my first job out of college, working in a health clinic in Newark. Anyway, Elmer King, head of "Security," practically pistol whipped the 4 year-old boy who kept jumping on the waiting room chair. That kind of thing.

Still, I DO feel safe now, that no one will kick sand in my face, steal any shade from my beach umbrella, or try to "pants" me out of my swim suit. They take their beaching seriously out here.

This is how it Starts

I've nothing exceptionally Californian to speak of today. Rather, what I CAN speak about is my seemingly ever increasing desire to speak upon a whole lot of things. See, I experienced a first this week. For the first time ever, I was a caller on a talk radio show. On Monday, at the outset of my evening commute, I flip on the radio. Basically, I have a four-pronged attack: I have one sports radio show, one news/talk show, one jazz station, and one CD at the ready. Whoever has the best offering at a given time gets my attention until further notice. So, at this particular point in time, ESPN radio had my ear, talking about Lebron James' status in the NBA. "Is he the best player?" and things of that nature.

I don't know why, but when one guy spoke of how he'd never seen anyone so single-handedly carry a mediocre team to the NBA finals before, I "snapped," and simply HAD to chime in. I call up, and I actually don't get a busy signal. Some screener asks me my name, and what I want to say. They put me on hold for 5 minutes. Then I hear, "Scott, from Los Angeles, you're on the air." Semi-stunned, I kept my wits about me enough NOT to say, "First time, long time." Instead, I barrelled into my point. "Yeah, hi. I just want to say, if you think Lebron's the first guy to carry a weak team into the finals, go take a look at Allen Iverson's supporting cast back in 2001." Before they could recover from the genius of my insight, I came back with the second barrel. "Also, Lebron's the most TALENTED player, but not the best because he doesn't bring it every night. Tim Duncan is an efficient, winning machine, who will destroy Lebron."

There's a bigger issue here though, on top of my masterful basketball insight. A definite trend in the works. Sure, this was my first call, but actually my second attempt. (2 weeks ago I went ballistic when informed of this a-hole, who's baseball playing, drunken mess of a son had killed himself drunk driving, had the BALLS to sue everyone and their grandmother for his sons death. Guy was drunk, stoned, speeding, on his cell phone, without a seatbelt, and he mercifully only killed himself. Meanwhile, his dad is suing the guy who's car stalled on the side of the road that his son rammed into). So now, I'm calling in radio shows, blogging, and wagging my finger a lot when I have actual live people in my presence. The dam is breaking. Here come the floodwaters. Make way for my soapbox. If I ever run for any type of political office, mark this date on your calendar's folks. You'll be able to look back and say, "THERE! That's where it started." Buh Logic is going to make an imprint on this world, by God!

This has to be said...

So, I just got back from my lunch. I decided to stay out and eat, and figured I'd occupy my time with catching up on the newspaper. Historically speaking, I'm a big newspaper guy. I used to buy two daily, ESPECIALLY in my commuting years where I had lots of train time. It got to where I could strategically fold a paper and still rock my Su Doku whilst standing shoulder to shoulder in a rush hour subway car. Plus, I'm just old school about the hands-on experience. Don't get me wrong, I pull plenty from the internet and what not, but I've just always liked my newspapers.

Since I've been here, my hard copy consumption has dramatically slowed down. I'm not really feeling the L.A. Times, and more than anything, my commute is driven. So for the sake of not killing myself or others, I begrudgingly don't read behind the wheel (though I DO play air guitar, and tap some fat polyrhythms on the dash over the latin jazz show on my drive home). Meanwhile, my treasured Sunday ritual of crossword/coffee/bagel has been largely forsaken, seeing as I've yet to even come close to finding a satisfactory bagel. Content wise, I miss the 4-inch letter, tabloid headlines on the front and back pages, and general sensationalism. I saw the NY papers go nuts over the A-Rod scandal, or should I say, the "Play-Rod," "Stray-Rod," "Yankee Doodle Randy" scandal. I miss that stuff.

But today at lunch, I was reminded of the final dagger, dividing me from newsprint. While waiting for my lunch, I dart over to the 7-11 to grab a paper (since corner newsstands are essentially non-existant). Grab my Times, pull out my 2 quarters. Oh. Right. THEY CHARGE TAX ON THE NEWSPAPER HERE. Fitty-four freakin' cents. That just chafes me. Newspapers are supposed to be bought and sold with quarters. Multiples of 25 cents. EEEEvery once in a while, perhaps a dime increment can be tolerated. 25 cents, up to 35, kind of thing. Fifty-four cents?!?! That's just fundamentally wrong. I can honestly say I'd wrather pay 60 cents before 54, just for the "privilege" of keeping it silver. "We pay tax on everything else, why not the paper?" Because, that's why. It's wrong. Just wrong. Or if we MUST pay tax, make the price 46 cents, so with tax it's 50.

Back to my Mission

All right, I seem to be straying a tad in the last few offerings. Things are getting a mite political here at Buh Logic, and that's not my intention. This is supposed to be light-hearted whimsy. My off-beat take on a world gone mad. Now I'm doing critiques on the homeless and abortion. Next thing you know, I'll be telling you about the shape-shifting aliens in our midsts. (that's a joke folks. A direct reference to a dear friend who has co-opted some, er, "unconventional" ideas since he moved out here, lest anyone take me seriously). Anyway, as we say in corporate America, I'm straying from my mission statement.

The fact is, I have actually begun to establish the type of "life groove" I lamented losing a few entries back. There is a palpable rhythm to my life beginning to take shape. Between work, the commute, my home life, and my music (I'm recording a CD, hopefully fit for public consumption by summer's end), I haven't engaged in too many wacky adventures lately. At least not California specific anyway.

This phenomenon, actually, is quite interesting to me, this concept of the establishment of a life rhythm. Like, I've been here about 6 months now. I would say that for all relative purposes, I've mastered, I don't know, L.A. within approximately 15-20 mile radius of my home. May not sound like much, but that's a lot. Have I been EVERYWHERE within that radius? Of course not. But I'd say I've represented a high percentage of that area, certainly the things of note. I know all of the big streets. I've been to, or at least passed by, the beach, the O.C., Hollywood, Downtown, Universal City, Ventura County, Santa Barbara, Koreatown, Silver Lake, Simi Valley, Fairfax, Bel Air, Beverly Hills, etc. (If you're really bored, go to map quest and punch all of them in to see the ground I've covered. In other words, I get it. I get the idea of what's doin' around these parts.

A further wrinkle is that in lil' Manhattan Island, where I lived or worked in for I guess 14 years, I could STILL find little nooks that were undiscovered. Places in the city where until that day, you never had cause to be there, so you never happened upon them. None of this is a complaint, mind you. If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that dynamics ALWAYS change.

Now it makes sense...

So, I've been commenting lately on how remarkably conservative I've found SOCAL to be. The war and immigration being the biggest issues I hear about daily. But on one other topic, abortion, I'm perpetually amazed at how MATTER OF FACTly conservative California appears to be. That is to say, the consensus is for Pro-Life. I have no problem with one being pro-life. Personally, my stance would be Pro-Life if at all possible, but hell if I or the courts have the right to say so definitively.

I learned a long time ago, coming from a family of women, that my voice is pretty irrelevant on such matters. I remember one time, my sisters, mother, aunts, talking about breast feeding pros and cons. I cavalierly offered up this gem: "When I get married, I don't think I'll insist that my wife breast feed." They uniformally stopped me in my tracks and said (with their eyes), "Your DAMN right you won't insist on much of anything!" Once I'd scraped myself off the floor, I took to heart the fact that, to paraphrase a New York expression, my opinion on women's rights and $1.50 will get you on the subway.

Anyway, as a Libra, I've always been able to see both sides of things. On this topic especially, how could you not? I certainly understand why someone could see it as "killing," to a degree (albeit, it seems ludicrous to me in the first two tri-mesters), but I also certainly can see how sometimes in life, it's probably best that it's done, either because of health risks, or economic realities. So given that, I've been stunned at how staunch the pro-lifers are out here. And the other day, it finally hit me. It's a melding of a lot of the things I've been talking about out here.

Since I've been here, I haven't seen anything REMOTELY close to say, North Newark, or Camden, though I'm sure some version exists somewhere. Here, I've seen skateboard parks, little league fields, and clean schools. I see two-parent households, WITH nannies to boot. I see crossing guards. I see afterschool activities. I DON'T see drug pushers. I don't see unemployment. I don't see welfare moms. OF COURSE everyone wants these kids to live. Why wouldn't they? Life is eden out here for a child. Conversely, elsewhere in the world, where HARSH realities exist, it's not so easy sometimes. There are economic realities that I think Californians can fail to comprehend because they're generally conceptual to them, more than actual. I guarantee you, the same Californians on the soapbox about pro-life would invoke the same venom they have towards the immigrants, were abortion to be outlawed, and there was an influx of welfare mothers and their kids. "Why are my tax dollars going towards these un-wed mothers and their babies?!?! Haven't they heard of contraception?!?" You get the idea. It's that underlying hypocrisy that chafes me above all else about the pro-lifers. Their agenda should be amended to, "Pro-life so long as I'M not bothered."

No Witty Pun For This One..

One of the bigger ironies I've noticed out here, is that for all of the laid back, mellow folks who don't seem to work but so much, there is a remarkably industrious homeless population. For real. There's no comedic sarcasm behing that statement whatsoever.

In my neighborhood, there is a curiously high number, relative to the relative comfortability of my 'hood. It's not Bel Air, but it's not the wrong side of the tracks either. One certainly would not expect to see a bona fide "population" of homeless. But there they are. And they have clearly carved out a niche of sorts, as it is the same folk daily that you observe.

Unlike New York's homeless, this group does not strike you as potentially dangerous. There are no train tracks to get pushed in front of here, but if there were, I don't think they'd do it. No, the homeless here actually have agendas. There's a tiny, old Mexican woman and her dog. I see her SEVERAL times a day, like clockwork rummaging through the garbage cans of the area. In between her, are several others who make the daily rounds at the same cans. God help them if they come across our kitty/pig litter, but they seem to find recyclables and enough food to get by. Hell, I even saw her help herself to a few flowers in our yard the other day, for wherever she lays down in the evening, she wants it to stay fresh.

Then, on my commute, there's a significant intersection I go through twice a day, maybe 2 minutes off the 405. High volume, long lights, so a couple of savvy homeless have co-opted the intersection as their own. Smart business acumen. High volume = High profits. I see them every day, same signs asking for money in tow, during the evening rush hour. But what freaked me out was, the other day I had to pass by around 1, running an errand, and there they were. My point being, all these folks might be homeless, but they keep regular hours, respecting it like a job almost. The New York homeless stayed in a perpetual stupor, looking for change to stay high or whatever. They'd unabashedly get in your face, and offend or scare you without regard. But out here, whatever their plight, they seem to generally take it as THEIR plight, for better or worse. They do what they can to survive, but basically don't throw it in your face.

Hopefully, this isn't sounding offensive. It's just a different vibe to a particular sub-culture that DOES exist, here, New York, and everywhere.

Come on Down

Bubba and I live a stone's throw from Television City. Probably a 10-minute walk from CBS studios, where all kinds of clap-trap is produced. I don't even know what all goes on there - with one exception: The Price is Right.

Every day on my commute, I go down Fairfax and pass by the studio. And good ol' American icon Bob Barker is about to hang 'em up, come June I believe, so for the last few months, Fairfax Ave. and Beverly Blvd. has been packed with national yokels, looking to "come on down" with Bob. So, what you get is, a sidewalk full of people SLEEPING OVERNIGHT, just for Price is Right tickets. Like it's a line for U2 tickets or something. Hilarious. Sleeping bags, tents, folding chairs, all that good stuff.

I have to say though, unlike a rock and roll show, this crowd seems to be a jovial, very friendly bunch from what I've observed. No cops or velvet ropes needed. Everyone's on their honor. And they all seem to be laughing and carrying on, real pleasant like. It's also filled with (but hardly exclusively) the geriatric set. You can just tell that everyone's from Anytown, U.S.A., and that this will EASILY be the highlight of the R.V. trip to LaLa land. For me, the best part is everyone in their group themed t-shirts, as they make some kind of play to be recognized by the producers. You know, like gaudy colored, raised t-shirts saying something like, "Falls Church Hearts Bob."

When I come home on the days where they've had shows, I see the folks on the sidewalk, sporting the authentic name tags I grew seeing. The Price is Right was particularly an elementary school sick day staple for me. Feign a stomach ache, eat a lil' breakfast, watch Bob and the gals, and settle in for my stories in the afternoon until cartoon time.

I've yet to see anyone visibly euphoric on the streets, like they'd just won BOTH showcase showdowns, but I'm sure they're all satisfied regardless. I wonder to myself, who got to play 'Plinko?' Did they have to play the race game? Or my personal favorite, the little mountain climber dude. Did he appear today, and if so, did he fall over the cliff?

I've heard CBS has the audacity to try and replace Bob when he's gone. What, 35 years isn't enough of a milking that you have to try to squeeze yet another drop out of it? Bob was and is a rock steady solid, national game show icon. A pro's pro, who will be missed.

Woke Up This Mor-nin'...

Back east, for maybe the last 10 years I lived there, I used to schlep (you don't get good Yiddish) out here) out to Joisy every Friday, to continue my guitar studies under the tutelage of my mentor, Rich Fusco. Beyond the hour or so lessons, it became an entire ritual for me. You could literally set your watch by the whole thing. Yellow line subway from Mid-town to Port Authority. Buy a discounted Daily News and Post OUTSIDE P.A., go in and buy a sleeve of fresh popcorn. From there I'd catch the 5:50 Community Coach out of gate 306. (I'd always try to look gnarly and angry so as to improve my chances of sitting alone). Next, it was a ride eerily similar to Tony Sopranos during the opening credits of the Sopranos, 'cept I was seeking higher musical knowledge, he was seeking power and good sausages. Out of the Lincoln Tunnel, with the panorama of all of Manhattan (first with the WTC, then without), through the rancid, chemical belly of North Jersey. From there, the Turnpike to 280, past Kearny, and sometimes, past the Satriales neighborhood if the traffic re-routed us. Then, just like Tony, I'd see the gradual presence of grass and greenery increase. The houses would get a little nicer. Next thing you know, I'm in Livingston, about one turn over from Caldwell, Tony's area. Rich and I would get our guitar on, and leave at 8:46 for South Orange, my original stomping grounds. I'd catch the 9:14 Midtown Direct. NJ Transit was remarkably good on time, so I'd get into Penn Station at 9:46. Walk a few blocks to the Yellow line, and I'd be walking through the door between 10:12 and 10:14 every week. I did this on average I'd say, 35 times a year for 10 years or so. Rinse and repeat.

So why, pray tell, am I rehashing my excercise in tedium for you all, ESPECIALLY when it's not even a CURRENT exercise in tedium? Well, first of all, obviously I am attempting to fortify my stronghold on the title of "World's Squarest Bad Ass Guitarist." But secondly, to ruminate on one of the more subtle aspects of picking up one's life and starting anew. See, I took great comfort in such a refined level of predictability. I loved that I could know that, every Friday at 7:05, I could be found in the same 7-11 in Livingston, buying the same cup of coffee. Or that I'd finish my Su Doku after the Lincoln Tunnel, but before we officially got on the Turnpike. It took YEARS to master that groove, and now I'm back at square one.

This isn't a knock against L.A. Just a reality of moving. I had certain aspects of my life down to a science, beyond just my Friday night junkets. Pick up my newspaper from the same stand every day. Have the short order cooks start fixing my order on sight. Sunday bagel from Ess-a-Bagel. Etc. It just feels wierd now, that's all. Naked, without an established order to my daily life. Some of you reading this are probably like, "Thank GOD he's out of that rut! Listen to that monotony!" Listen, life keeps things interesting whether I'm structured or not. In fact, it's BECAUSE life is never boring, that I cherish those few arenas where I CAN keep it simple.

So now, my life grooves aren't smooth yet. My record is warbly like an LP left out in the sun. You can still make out the song, but it's a little skewed.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

So, I went to my first Dodger game the other night. An old college buddy of mine, Schultzie, brought his wife, sister and progeny down the coast, and treated me to a ticket out at Chavez Ravine to see Barry Bonds and the San Francisco Giants.

I've been to maybe 50 ball games in my life, the vast majority at Yankee Stadium. My experience is that people either love Yankee Stadium, or they hate it. Personally, I always loved the experience. It didn't get any better than 50,000 rabid fans, on a crisp, sunny Saturday, in the House that Ruth Built, caring WAY too much. The pinstripes, the Yankee Franks, the Bleacher Bums, you can't beat it. Others can't stand it. The Bronx, the profanity, the arrogance. I remember a former colleague of mine at Estee Lauder. Originally from Seattle, he was all agog about going to "The Stadium" for the first time. Came in the next day. I said, "How'd you like it?" He said, "That place is a dump!" Coming from Seattle and their modern stadium, he, like many, is of the, "sushi at the ballpark/day care for the kids behind centerfield/baseball as a backdrop" set. So where would L.A. fall?

I live about 9 miles from Dodger Stadium, but it took me about 50 minutes all told, what with traffic and parking. Still, I was there with plenty of time, as my buddy and his clan were held up by traffic all the way up in Santa Barbara. New to the place, on a BEAUTIFUL night, I figured I'd amble around the grounds for a while. But you know what, let me back up a second. Just driving to the ballgame is something I hadn't done in YEARS. NO ONE drives to Yankee Stadium. No one smart, anyway. I lived in midtown, on the east side. I'd walk to the subway, and like 25 minutes and 3 express stops later, I'm there. Door to door. Here, I was treated to the combo platter of rush hour, and ball game traffic. Still, all in all, not bad. Until I got to the parking lot, that is. FIFTEEN smackers later, I parked the car in the lot behind the outfield and started my promenade.

The stadium itself, though one of the older ones, is pretty attractive, I'd say. The back is more or less open, with large palm trees adorning the exterior. It never reains either, so it's always perfect for baseball. It's odd though, in that it feels like it's in the middle of nowhere. By that I mean, most big cities I've ever been in, you can very readily see the stadium from the highways and such. Dodger Stadium though, is in a ravine, like up on a semi-mesa even, and remarkably INconspicuous until you are on the paid grounds.

Next big difference for me was, whilst milling about, who walks by me, but noneother than Paris Hilton. (I swore I wouldn't name drop, but a) people seem to like it, and b) it's pertinent to my story of contrasts.) Seriously, that doesn't happen at Kansas City Royals' games. In New York, it's more likely going to be, I don't know, James Gandolfini. And better still, much to my pleasant surprise, when they confirmed her presence on the Jumbotron, she was mercilessly booed.

A nice little touch for me was when I came across a monitor showing the game, since my friend was late. Who do I hear, but Vin Scully and his buttery smooth, classic broadcaster voice, only THIS time, I'm a part of the action he's painting such a beautiful picture of. He's like the Phil Rizzuto I grew up with, except he makes crystal clear sense.

Once inside, taking in the game itself, a couple of bullet points stuck out. First of all, just like I'd heard, the crowd is fashionably late (read: 2nd or 3rd inning). HOWEVER, I can now cut them a bit more slack on that one, having now seen just how much traffic has to squeeze into such a small amount of road, all during rush hour. They also leave very early, to which there is no excuse. If you don't care about the outcome of the game, don't go in the first place.

New York fans pride themselves on their knowledge of the game. They know when to cheer, when to boo (except with A-Rod), and appreciate the nuances. More than anything, I was floored when in the middle of a close game with their arch rival (this is L.A.'s version of Yanks-Red Sox), with Barry Bonds, the greatest player of my lifetime at the plate, two men on base, the crowd was FIXATED on the beach ball bounding in the stands. That was all I needed to know.

Overall, it was a pretty nice experience. It's a lovely facility. Very civil. Completely family friendly. And like most things out here, completely without edge, which, depending on your tastes, is a good thing or a bad thing.

Right on the Left Coast

In the 4 months I've been doing this blog, I've made it a point not to get political. There's plenty of soapbox forums in the world without me cluttering it further. I've got plenty of opinions, and I'm always a willing sparring partner for a bouncy dialogue, but a preacher I am not. What I WILL comment on though, is the political atmosphere I've observed out here in my new digs.

For some reason, I got it fixed in my head that the whole state was going to be this bastion of liberalism. You know, "If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair," "gliddy glop gloopy," that kind of thing. Nothing but positive, brother-loving "vibes." Wrong. I'm increasingly amazed at how conservative the climate is out here. Chalk it up to my own naivete more than anything. I mean, if I stopped to think about it, the Governator is the Governor for crying out loud, and Ronnie Baby has been all but annointed sainthood here.

Burned out on my jazz cd's, scared to listen to my hip-hop in the wake of the Imus fall out, I've been listening more and more to talk radio during my 45-minute commute. While my personal politics tend to fall on the left side of the fence, I find myself much more drawn to conservative radio. I find their passion, even when I deem it grossly misguided, to be very entertaining. I'd say there are two common themes I hear more than anything else: 1) Staunch support for the war/troops in Iraq, and 2) "It's time to build a Berlin-esque wall or SOMETHING to keep out the Mexicans."

It's the passion behind the border issue I find most fascinating. My minimal experience with the extensive Latino population of L.A. has been, they're the same as everyone else out here. Populous, hard-working, certainly willing to get their hands dirty. I see them working within the restaurants, at the bus stops of Beverly Hills coming and going from their domestic or landscaping jobs, packs of day laborers looking for work every morning, business managers, you name it. The whole spectrum of working capacities, same as any other peoples. Yet I sense such an undercurrent of hostility towards them. I suppose not outwardly in day to day dealings, but when the faceless voices "appear" on the radio, on a repercussionless forum, there's real venom behind some of these callers.

"Get the troops out of Iraq, and onto the Mexican border!" "Forget a wall, the border jumpers should be shot on sight." That kind of stuff. Real vitriol. Just this morning, a prominent radio voice here was talking about the various diseases and such "these people" bring here. There seems to be SUCH resentment and disdain.

There are a host of legitimate issues regarding our immigration policies. I'm personally not a believer in carte blanche, no questions asked citizenship for whomever asks. But while I'm all for immigrants entering the U.S. via proper channels, I don't think SoCal anyway, realizes what would happen to their lifestyles if they got what they wished for, and they all disappeared.

Where's all the groovy cats? Where's all the good vibes? This aspect of my California living is kind of like setting out to go to Woodstock, but ending up with Altamont. You still got a great show with a host of different acts, but instead of Hendrix playing the Star-Spangled banner at dawn to close the show, you got the Hells Angels stabbing someone during the Stones set. Puts a bit of a damper on things, to say the least.

Gone, but not Forgotten

To my "legions," of fans, I know I've been a bit slack lately. I got a new musical toy, and it's taking up most of my free time at the moment. I'm unleashing a couple of years worth of songs that were stuck in my head upon my new 24-track. Anyway, I promise to get back to my irreverant take on L.A. shortly, and in abundance.

Buh

Everyday People

So, I'm halfway through my commute the other morning, stopped at a light. I look over to my right into the driver's side of this big ol' gold, Lexus SUV. I hadn't yet had my coffee, but I'm like, "Is that...? I think...Yes, it's Leeza Gibbons." Was she on her way to "Dancing With the Stars" rehearsal perhaps? Should I offer up some pointers?

Don't worry folks, I'm not gonna tell you all every time I see a celeb out here. The purpose of today's treatise is actually to comment on the relatively mundane phenomenon it is for people to see celebs. It's no big deal to anyone out here, because it's the norm. I've now seen a real who's who in random famous people (my criteria for famous is, if I know who they are and we've never met, then they've clearly attained at least some degree of notoriety.) I've seen Kirstin Dunst, Kyra Sedgewick, Leeza Gibbons, "Crab Man" from "My Name is Earl," one of the lesser guys from "Swingers," and one of the Sklar twins from that "Cheap Seats" show. Throw in Bubba's two-for-Tuesday the other night of Lindsay Lohan and Quincy Jones' daughter from "The Office," and it's a pretty good lot for 4 months.

What's wild is, in all of these instances, it was coming across them in day to day life. The supermarket. The pharmacy. The hair salon. The parking lot. And what's gotta be pretty cool for them is, no one seems to hassle them at all. At least not during the day, away from the clubs. All bets are off if you're currently embroiled in a scandal of course, but out of all of these folks, not one of them was being badgered for pictures, autographs, etc. I gotta tip my hat to L.A. about that. Bodes well for my impending celebrity.

A Fool and His Money...

So, Bubba and I ended up at this lil' house party on Saturday night, in the home of an acquaintance she'd made. More in the name of fulfilling a coerced promise to attend, than any real burning desire to be there, we figured we'd make a token appearance towards the end of the allotted party hours of 4-10. We made our way to the backyard, which was pretty darn cool. There was this whole, zen meditation garden thing happening, that I could very much dig having myself. You know, plant life, stones, little trickly water and whatnot. I could definitely find myself in there.

Anyway, I did not know a soul besides Bubba at this shindig. So, upon seeing the woman who'd been on the bench next to us leave, leaving this gentleman by his lonesome, I figured I'd start some small talk. He was around 50 or so, with this long, tightly braided, thin ponytail. I thought to myself, "if my ponytail looked this chumpy all these years, I've made a grave error in judgement." (for the record, I don't sport the ponytail too often these days. more of a mop-top. but I also say with confidence that when I did/do, it looks a lot better on me than on him.) So I start chatting up this guy. "Where you from? Who do you know here?" etc. After, "what do you do?" he proceded to give us 15 minutes of insane commentary.

In a nutshell, this guy was telling us how his family business, worth about $30 mil or so, was to be divided amongst himself and his two sisters. Seems one sister, systematically took over the company and has acquired all of its net worth, leaving him, his other sister, and his elderly parents, to fend for themselves. This tale blew my circuitry on so many levels, that I could barely speak.

1) Why is this man telling me, a perfect stranger, INTIMATE details of his finances? I mean, specific dollar amounts. "These are my assets. This is what I owe." etc. Is it me, or isn't it completely wrong to offer up this kind of information? It's rude, no? I don't like to tell people my rent, simply because it's none of their business, let alone, how much his father takes home annually from Social Security (which he did).

2) This whole business culminated like 2 months ago. This wound is FRESH. Yet he was unbeliveably calm about it all. More than that, he's not even angry at his sister the thief, and he's pretty much ceased fighting it. Bubba and I kept looking at each other, half outraged, half trying to keep from laughing in this guy's face. "What would you do Bubba?" "I don't know. SOMETHING." "What would you do Scott?" "I don't know. SOMETHING." This dude was like Homer Simpson. "Yeah, but what are you gonna do? Can't fight city hall."

3) The last offensive nugget was that he was mulling over the prospect of actually, potenitally having to get a JOB after all of this. You could tell that this was really troubling, and completely foreign a proposition to this guy. First he's gonna sell everything he's got. Basically, anything to avoid actual toil. As such, he deserves to lose his money.

So what did I learn from all of this? This is what happens when kids have to wear helmets when they bike ride. (I keep bringing this up because this coddling phenomenon keeps happening, and I've had a lot of contrasting commentary on my observations). Calamity hit this guy, and he's like Chauncey Gardner, the Peter Sellers character in "Being There." He's clueless about the real world. If he understood the real world at all, he'd be going Tony Soprano on his sister about now. Lastly, I'm telling you, I'm all for this California peace thing, mellowing out, be in the now, acceptance of what is and all. But at some point, a line gets crossed between a surrender to the river of life, and being rendered an impotent dormat. If I ever get as "peaceful" as this guy, someone please do me a favor and fit me with a pair of cement shoes. For MY own good.

All Bark, No Bite

So, nearly 4 months in, and only last week did I really take my first legit foray into the Hollywood night life. Despite outward appearances, I'm actually one of the squarer, bad-ass guitar players you'll ever come by. Don't let the long hair fool you. I tend to get my kicks osmotically and observationally.

Anyway, Shawn, Holly's husband, has a band (Daughter's of Mara) that is about to make its major label record debut, so in preparation, they're doing a few shows around town to start up the buzz. Gotta support the brethren, and since it was in W. Hollywood, at a civil hour (9:30), I figured this would be a good show to hit. Shawn's music is, er, how would you say, "aggressive" to put it mildly. And since Bubba is the Queen of 70's "wuss" rock, I figured I'd best fly solo on this one. She agreed.

So, as luck would have it, the show was at the infamous Viper Room. For the uninformed, the Viper Room is a notorious Sunset Strip rock and roll club, maybe a block from the Whiskey, and smack dab in the middle of bumpin' Sunset. Before I get into the Viper Room proper, a few comments on Sunset. I don't know if I just watched a few too many Guns 'n Roses videos as a kid or something, but my preconceived notion was that Sunset would be like Times Square (circa the 1980's) west. You know, real seemy and treacherous. Strip clubs, dive bars, trouble on every corner. Well, there ARE bars, strip clubs, etc., but it's not seemy at all. In FACT, it's downright, borderline chi-chi. Put it this way, most of these places have valet parking. I don't recall CBGB's offering that service back in the day. This isn't a complaint, just an observation.

So, I park my car, or, "Jeeves" parked my car more appropriately, and I made my way to the door of the club. Much to my surprise, it had a velvet rope. Been a while since I'd suffered that humiliation. Ah, the good old days. So the doorman is gnarly enough looking I guess. Spiked hair, some combination of tatts and piercings, requisite black clothes of some form or other. He just lacked the imposing air I would've anticipated. I want my doormen/bouncers coming in at like, 6'6 250, and looking like they just got out of the joint, and they were given the job because they stopped the club owner from getting shanked last year. I want to feel a sense of accomplishment when I get past a doorman. Like I just looked the devil in the eye, and he blinked first. Alas, this chap checked my name for his list, gave me the hi sign, told me to enjoy the show, and off I went.

The Viper Room is a club that used to be owned by Johnny Depp until 2004 I believe. It's also known for being the place where River Phoenix od'ed. So what do I do first, but go check out the bathroom. Not because I had to go, but because of the cache surrounding it. Is it wrong that I took a picture to show Bubba? "Hey Bubbs, over here is where he must've been slumped over?" Well, to paraphrase the song, "If takin' pictures of bathrooms where junkie celebrities died is wrong, I don't WANNA be right!" Anyway, I was stunned at how nice the club was. An actual decor, mood lighting, a nice elevated stage, proper sound and lights. Plus, the bartender looked EXACTLY like Fidel Castro, with thick beard and all, so that was neat. The crowd was civil. Enthusiastic, but not unrully. They even had a few mugs circulating about to make sure folks stayed in line. Turns out, I was one of the troublemakers, because I tried to take a picture without express written consent or something, and the guy made me put it away.

There was not an ounce of danger to this place. Not one. My shoes didn't stick to the floor. When I bumped into someone, he DIDN'T crack his empty on the bar to slash me with it. He excused himself. The show was slated to start at 9:30. It started at 9:30. Somewhere, Axl Rose is turning over in his rock and roll grave (HE's not dead, but his career, and more importantly, his hell raising ways apparently are).

Has the whole world been gentrified? Again, I'm no Hell's Angel. BUT, here's the thing. IF I go out to a rock and roll club for a show, I WANT there to be the dangerous rock and roll element. I don't crave that often at this point in my life, but if ever I want it, that's where it SHOULD exist. I mean, 90% of that crowd had piercings and tattoos. When I was a kid, I remember very vividly seeing someone with a spiked mohawk for the first time. It was petrifying. I sized up these kids at the club, and I just laughed to myself. I felt like I could kick the ass of the entire room. Mind you, this was a METAL show. This was not Coldplay. This was METAL.

When my mom and I talk about pro football, she'll always side with the team from the colder climate. "They're cold and angry. Those sunshine teams are too happy and soft." That's what it is. All this sunshine out here must just sap the hostility right out of you. Not just football teams. Everyone.

Social Studies

So, almost 4 months into my new life now, I think I can safely make a few sweeping generalizations and pigeon-hole this entire population of double-digit millions. I was joking when I said that, but kidding aside, I actually, genuinely believe there IS one remarkably common trait they share out here, and it's in stark contrast to my New York City experience. Namely, WHEN I have interaction with people out here, 9 times out of 10, if not more, it's been positive. Ahhh, but here's the rub: Unless there's a REASON to talk to you, it's VERY rare that strangers will engage you.

Historically speaking, I have what people have considered to be a "kind" face. Big cheeks, freckles, non-threatening, and I smile a lot. (Either that, or I look like a sucker. Too close to call really). For whatever reason, people of all walks have always felt compelled to talk to me. Deli guys, cabbies, homeless, doormen, in elevators, sitting in the park, you name it. Fine by me really. I like to talk. I like to listen too. Out here though, it just doesn't happen. Again, when I do interact with folks, it's fine. Very pleasant. But they just don't engage you out here.

I've only seen one person really kick it New York style. There's a diner I go to from time to time for lunch. There's a woman I see there more often than not. She's beyond being a "regular." You can tell she straps in for the long haul when she's there, like it's the days' event. She brings her crosswords, and even though I get my order to go, she only takes about two bites the entire time I'm there. Meanwhile, she'll engage ANYONE within earshot, about anything. The ol' gal is just lonely really, which isn't the biggest crime in the world. Anyway, an old episode of "Lucy" was on the other day. Lil' Ricky was playing the babaloo on the drums, and she asked whomever, "Is he playing those things?" Undeterred at the initial silent response, she persisted. "Is that him playing? Do you know if that was over-dubbed? He sure looks like he's really playing!" Finally, knowing that my to go order was safely ready to go, I jumped on the grenade and said, "Yes, he's really playing," then bolted like a gunshot, lest she consider the bait taken and she come back with a follow-up conversation starter about the genius of Fred Mertz or something. In New York, she represents "business as usual." But out here, she looks THAT much more loco, because NO ONE engages strangers. I'm telling you.

Similarly, I love my neighborhood, but it's the same thing. In my building, there are three other units. None of my neighbors explicitly introduced themselves upon our moving in. (Hannah, the 87 year old, gets a pass though). When I DID meet them, nothing but pleasant. But one of them, I only met for the first time 2 weeks ago! (The exception to all of this, of course, is when we are walking Orville down the street).

Maybe I'm using revisionist history here? Maybe I'm waxing nostalgic for something that actually didn't exist? It's not like my New York neighbors and I were always "kickin' it." Still, I remember time after time, coming home and saying, "Bubba, you should've heard this conversation I just had." It's like, people care too MUCH about your business in New York, and could care LESS about your business out here. I don't know which I prefer honestly. I think for me, I like to be in the PRESENCE of busybodies and loose cannons to observe, with an OPTION to engage, if that makes any sense.

Mr. Pig Stuff

All right. I've put it off long enough. The shock that there's a pig roaming my house as I speak has ALMOST worn off, at least enough for me to begin regaling the inquiring masses as to what cohabitation with a pig is like. As much as I'd like to think otherwise, I think my legion of fans is more interested in the pig's life than mine.

So, what have I learned thus far? Well, I've learned that everything is a snack if you look at it right. (Bubba and I have even fashioned that into a song we sing to Orville when he's on the food warpath). Dry pig food? Of course. 'Mato? Sure. Crabapples? Mmmhmm. Cat food? Forbidden fruit. But it doesn't stop there, see. Phone books? Delicious. Mail? Heavenly. X-Box games? Crunchy. You get the idea. But here's the kicker, apparently, where it DOES stop is with....drumroll please............carrots. We'd been giving him these little cherry tomatoes, which he ravaged. Great, but a little pricey. So we figure, let's get him going with carrots. Crunchy, cheap, non-fattening. Perfect. Except the sonofabitch doesn't like them. He begrudgingly ate them once, then decided, "no thanks." I said, "Bubba, is this some kind of a sick pig joke? Wasn't he eating his own litter just last week? Didn't he just get finished trying to eat my bare feet like they were Vienna sausages? And now he has STANDARDS?!? Now he's a gourmand?!?! Unbelievable.

I have to reiterate, we should all be as passionate about SOMETHING in life as Orville is towards food. He literally smacks his lips CONSTANTLY. It's a Chinese water torture sometimes. And when there's no food afoot, he improvises on paper or whatever else is handy, as though he needs to keep his chops up (pun intended) or something. And when there's no paper, he literally, chews the air. Like, just in case some food happens by his mouth, he doesn't want to take any chances about missing it.

We have a mild-mannered cat in the house, Jack Sprat. I'm happy to say that those two have been able to tolerate each other just fine, and in fact, are now beginning to engage in some traditional "cat and pig" style rough house. Still, Jack-o will assert his position as the incumbent once in a while. Like, the other day, he very brazenly decided to use Orville's litter box, right smack in front of him. As if to say, "Yeah, I see you looking at me. So what? What'chu gonna do about it? Lest you forget who is the H.C.I.C. around here, beeyatch!" What's also funny is the two clear factions in my house now. Jack is just like his dad. Laid back in the cut, quiet, low maintenance. Orville, is just like his momma. Strong-willed, determined, feisty, and both want what they want, when they want it.

Lastly for now, one plus to having the Big O around is that he's indirectly contributed to my losing around 10 lbs. since I've been out here. See, he spends his time going back and forth between the kitchen and the living room. And if there is ANY kitchen activity brewing, he makes sure he's present so he can get a piece of the action. As such, I have to think twice now before I venture to the fridge. "Do I REALLY want to make a grilled cheese samich, at the expense of having my toes nibbled on for the next 10 minutes?" Plus, I have to say, my pork consumption is down considerably, so I guess he's really paying dividends to my health. Now, if he could just stop tempting me by standing by that fire...

Not too Shabby

Most people review movies, I apparently review movie THEATERS. Didn't set out to, but being in Tinseltown, where they do movies right, I can't help but comment because the theaters have been no joke so far.

On Saturday, Bubba and I were fixin' to go to the movies. The pickin's themselves were fairly slim (I can't justify plopping down $30 on "Road Hogs" or whatever it's called), but we were able to come up with "Pan's Labyrinth" since we'd heard great things about it (the great things were wrong, by the way). It was playing at the Arclight at 8 o'clock, which to me simply meant, "it's playing at 8 at some movie theater about 10 minutes from here on Sunset, that happens to be called Arclight." Our biggest concern was, "I hope the 'pops' are better than that last place we went to."

Well, we roll up on the Arclight Theater, and even as we're parking the car, I still don't know what we're getting into. I see a multi-level parking lot, much like you'd see at any mall. We park the car, and go into the middle of this complex. Wow. Just gargantuan. This mall size area, was like, 90% movie theater, with a smattering of other shops. It being Saturday night and all, it was an absolute madhouse. I see in the distance these automated ticket kiosks, and the lines are like 8 deep on the 6 machines. (You know you live in California when the theater can so confidently put the kiosks outside, completely uncovered, with complete confidence). We wait on line, and it's finally our turn. I go through the rigamarole, and then, out of nowhere, a seating chart comes on the screen, and I've got to now CHOOSE our seats. What the?!? On the one hand, pretty neat. On the other hand, we were 35 minutes early, but because everyone knows they can do their seats early, all of the good seats are taken, even though most of the crowd isn't strolling in until 7:59. Fortunately for us, we (read: Bubba) love to sit real close, so we snag a close pair of seats on the aisle. It should be noted however, that these seats also cost $14 per. So I'm already in for $30, plus parking, and I haven't even had a kernel of popcorn yet. My boy Z told me it's cheaper during the week though.

Tickets secured, we make our way into the theater lobby. It looks like a reception at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. For real. Huge open space, fresh art works on the walls, an upscale little boutique gift shop, selling all kinds of things (body creme for instance) that have nothing to do with movies. Furthermore, it sounds like a cocktail party, with all of the chit chat. Very social scene. I actually saw human ticket sellers inside, though they probably call them something more exotic, like "brokers," or something. There is also a cafe/bar, where people convene, probably often independent of even seeing movies. Check out this menu. http://www.arclightcinemas.com/(dzca3e45s0l0gnractstgwfr)/arclight/cafe_bar_menu.html
I don't recall anything like this back at Essex Green Tri-Plex in West Orange, NJ.

So, we make our way to the concession stand upstairs. This too, was like 8 deep. In addition to the usual movie fare, I see a few bizarre, exotic options on the "menu." My memory is annoyingly failing me right now, but it was something akin to like, "a lobster salad panini." Something really involved. Not my speed, but what IS my speed is, the popcorn offered the option of REAL butter. Simply put, best popcorn I've had at the movies, maybe ever.

We find "our" seats, pops in hand, and again, all of the people with the dope seats came RIGHT before the movie started, because they could. So basically, if you were observing from above, you'd have seen this ring of people slowly enveloping the prime middle seats, like a virus. The previews are about to start, and this usher comes out like he's one part steward, one part curator, to tell us what we're about to "experience." He offers that he and his "colleagues" will be popping in and out, making sure everything is hunky dory. A far cry from my days as a ticket monkey, where we ushers shared a disdain with the patrons that they felt right back at us. We offered to ignore the patrons if they'd ignore us.

Much like the Chinese theater, this one was equipped with great seats, completely unobstructed views, a booming sound system, and a huge screen. Apparently, they have an additional theater, known simply as, "The Dome" that defies cinematic description. Like, this is where you go to be blown away by a great sci-film or something. http://www.arclightcinemas.com/Arclight/dome.html?path=about

I have to say, it's pretty neat living in the movie capital of the world. Rare was the opportunity back east to see a movie as it was intended to be seen. More often than not, it was like watching our big screen t.v. at home, except with strangers. Here, great theaters are the norm. Now, the studios need to pay as much attention to the filmmaking as the theaters seem to be paying to the film halls. The prices were not so hot, but at least I can see what the money is going towards. Overall though, the Arclight represents a pretty unique movie-going experience.

Fine and Dandy

So, I've been working in Redondo Beach for like 6 weeks now. I have to say, I'm fascinated and down right flummoxed as to what to make of the child culture around here. When it's all said and done, I'll probably sound like a jerk for some of my possible grievances, but hey, I'm a California free spirit now. Don't fence me in!

One the one hand, I would describe the enviornment as idyllic for a child. Truly. The sun shines every day. There are wonderful athletic facilities (baseball diamonds, baskeball courts, soccer fields). No milk crate basketball hoops out here. The little leagues (to me, little league baseball is THE best, most wholesome thing a child can do) have well manicured fields, lights, the whole magilla. (I pass this one "stadium" that is for little league, but rivals a minor league ball park, complete with like, a proper concession stand I think). Most importantly, one gets the sense that the parents really care. Every day, I see SO many parents just on the streets, interacting with the kids. The soccer moms in full force, the dads playing catch, etc. And equally as important, you get the sense that it's safe here.

All of that is fantastic. Truly wonderful stuff. This is what 99% of the world WISHES for. And make no mistake, any gripes I have do not stem from what you would call sour grapes. I have no complaints about my childhood at all. My childhood was very similar to what I've described. "Cosbyesque" if you will. But there is one HUGE difference: Our Pro-Keds and Toughskins managed to touch the ground and get scuffed up once in a while.

Mind you, no one is ever going to get me confused with Mike Tyson. I'm far from the biggest, baddest, mf'er on the block ('lessin' you're referring to my old band in New York, Miller's Farm www.millersfarm.net). I'm a diplomatic pacifist if you will. That said, a little conflict, a little dirt under the fingernails, a little scraped up skin is not the worst thing in the world from time to time. I bring this up because it has become apparent to me that these west coast beach dandies are absolutely coddled out here. Just babied beyond belief. And I think the end result will be that these kids will grow up to be SOFT.

Just a few examples of what I'm talking about. When I was a kid, I never owned a bike helmet. Never owned elbow or knee pads. In fact, not only did I/we ride au naturale, I also got bullied and harrassed on my bike often, AND lived with the spectre of the "Newark Kids" coming to steal our bikes, as the urban legend went. And it was O.K. I got threw it just fine, thanks. Here, I see every kid (and parent) riding with a helmet and pads. But this goes beyond just when you're riding like Quicksilver through the "mean streets" of Redondo (I, unscientifically have counted an average of say, 1 car/10 minutes to be "dodged"). I saw a kid with the requisite safety gear......in his driveway.....with freakin' training wheels on. I almost pushed the kid off his bike just on spiteful principle. May as well pack him in bubble wrap at that point. And please, no one comment, "well it's now the law." I don't care.

Exhibit B - In South Orange (again, this is not Camden, NJ, this is lil' South Orange, NJ), we had a big ol' park right across the street from my house. But sometimes, we just felt like playing street football. Just because. We'd all assemble on Irving avenue, and set up shop in between the parked cars and such. And every third or fifth play, someone would yell, "car!" Everyone moves out of the way, life goes on. Here, I was driving home the other day, and I come up on some kids playing street hockey. "Hey, great! Nice game to put some hair on their chests." Then as I get closer, I see this store bought, cautionary like, traffic sign, that made me sick. It was like a bigger "Baby On Board" kind of thing, but placed in the street, so as to protect the cherubs from the likes of big, bad, me. "Caution: Children at Play" or something. Again, I almost ran the sign over out of spiteful principle.

Exhibit C - Really, this sums it all up better than anything. Back east, it was quite common to see a pair of kicks dangling from the phone lines, laces tied together. Some kid would get caught at the wrong place, at the wrong time, and get beaten up for his sneakers, and there they'd be, dangling for all to see. Last week, honest to God, I saw a similar sight out here. Difference was, it wasn't a fresh pair of Jordan's hanging. No, it was two pine cones. PINE CONES. Like, I can picture three third graders after school. "All right Bobby. Drop the paste, and give up the cones!" I swear, I'm looking at South Orange now like it was Fort Apache - The Bronx relative to this.

Is it me? Am I nuts here? I mean, I learned valuable life lessons as a kid through the periodic childhood "tragedy" that these kids are being shielded from. 'Don't dive on the concrete (Dave W.)'. 'Don't believe it when the kids threaten to blackmail you to the cops for something you didn't do (true story)'. 'I canNOT bunnyhop a Mongoose bike over two of my friends laying side by side.' 'If "Moonhead" Rhoulac asks you to "borrow" a quarter, he actually has no intention of paying you back, lest you make the mistake of asking him for it.' Etc. Practical life lessons that have replayed themselves in the adult world.

Maybe this is how life truly can be? Maybe, if everyone adopted this stance, the world would be a better place, and kids everywhere COULD live in such edens, in childhood and beyond? Hey, I'm not yet a parent (unless you count my pig and cat). I'm just going from instinct. I think you have to get knocked down early a few times, to know you can get back up. Life doesn't come with elbow pads and a helmet.

Hard to ReL.A.X.

My daily commute takes me by right by LAX on the 405. Not by the terminal, which features an interesting light display, as well as a 70's relic restaurant from the "not too distant future," that looks like it may even spin, but by the runways. Over the past month or so, I've been developing an uncomfortable fixation on it, particularly on the evening commute home. See, the planes that are arriving fly RIGHT over the highway. I could be wrong, but I'm guessing that the runway is no more than a half-mile from the road. What I find particularly odd is, the geniuses at city planning decided to line up the runway perpendicularly to the freeway so as to create this awkward cohabitation between commuter planes and commuter cars. I almost get the impression that back in the day, some eccentric billionaire like Mr. Burns was in charge of the whole thing, and, playing pin the tail on the donkey with a local map, decided, "I want the airport to be right THERE!" "But sir, don't you think that's perilously close to the roads?" "No. Right there. Just make it happen."

So the net result is, you get these planes coming in, flying literally maybe 80 feet above the road (I used some modest office buildings in the vicinity for scale). Worse yet, there are TWO runways parallel to each other. Sometimes the planes are staggered, but sometimes they come in in tandem, like they're drag racing. Unlike any other city I've experienced, L.A. offers HUGE panoramic vistas. On days when the smog is in remission, I swear you can see like 80 miles east, mountains lining the entire backdrop. There are no skyscrapers obstructing the view like I'm accustomed to. You can trail these planes from about the time the pilot instructs you to put your tray up and return your seat to the upright position, if one is so inclined.

Again, I'm increasingly fascinated/disturbed by this routine that's developing for me. As I make my way hoe amongst the other Joe Lunch Pails, I find myself watching the planes in, probably to the point of being dangerous to my driving. I was in Manhattan on 9/11. I miraculously lost no one I know, and at no time was I ever directly in harms way. That said, I WAS in the city (actually in transit on the subway at the time the first plane hit), and obviously I've been affected. Ever since, I've had a borderline unhealthy preoccupation with some of the footage (I watch it on the internet more often than I care to admit), simply because it represented the starkest, most dramatic event of my life, and it happened in my backyard. It's STILL surreal to me. One of my personal legacies from that day is that ever since, before I moved, every time I was walking the streets, and a plane was low enough for me to see or hear, I'd always think, JUST for a second, that it was happening again. So now, as I pass these low-riding flying behemoths every day, they keep looking like kamikaze missles to me, and it bothers me just enough to keep me uncomfortable. Independent of my 9/11 baggage, I think my own common sense would tell me, "These planes have no business flying so close to the road. They have no margin for error."

I don't know what all this means. I certainly don't expect the city planners to happen upon the blog and be like, "He's RIGHT! We need to change the whole thing!" I just think the whole thing is odd, and it happens to strike a particular nerve with me. So I guess the lesson here is, "Keep your distance from my car during my evening commute, lest my eyes stray towards an oncomming plane and I vere out of my lane."

No shirt, no shoes...DICE!!!!

So, having been back at work or a month or so, I've now been immersed in the Redondo/Hermosa/Manhattan Beach communities long enough to make a few observations, at least as they pertain to the lunch and rush hours.

I've taken a shine to a little Mexican greasy spoon just off of the beach. It's cheap, with good sized portions, and frankly, delicious. (Ironically, it's one of the few places I've seen WITHOUT Mexican kitchen help.) Anyway, I go there about once a week, and it continues to crack me up. Clearly, I've stumbled upon a little surfers mess hall, as the walls are lined with signed photos of surfers, as opposed to the usual head shot photos of mediocre celebrities (the kind that would actually think to carry head shots with them for just such an occasion) you'd see in a comparable diner. And apparently, within the surfer world, any semblence of understanding of the social contract is non-existant.

A week or two ago, on the first really hot day out here (like 85 degrees), I happened to go to this place for lunch. I get inside, and these dudes are chillin', eating their burritos, sporting nothing more than their Jams or wet suits. That's it. Not EVEN flip-flops. Jeff Spicoli in real-time, 3D. At first I was thinking, "Right on! Who needs the artificial constraints of society?! Be free!" Then I kept on thinking, "Wait a minute, I don't like to eat food in my own HOME in just a pair of shorts and no shirt! Not even my bagel with cream cheese on the laziest, sloppiest Sunday in the world. That's not even comfortable! And hot Mexican food?? That's just plain loco!"

I've also discovered that there is a revolution in physics taking place. They are literally, completely re-working our understanding of the workings of time out here. See, back in New York, I'd dash out to the deli or something at lunch, for a quick bite. This place would be like 8 deep on the line, and they'd still get me a HOT sandwich within 5 minutes. In the mornings, these 3 cooks would take these MASSIVE construction site orders, (one guy ordering for like 20 guys), each order more particular than the one before. "Gimme 3 eggs and bacon on wheat toast, with the top piece buttered, JUST on the outside, and the bottom piece with jelly, JUST on the inside. Make one egg poached, one egg scrambled, and one egg with the yolk leaking, eeeever so slightly." 20 of these orders at once, knives flying, fingers in constant peril, and they whisk us all in and out. Here, I go in, and there's like 5 people in the restaurant. 3 of them are already eating. So one guy has his order in already. "Cool. I'll be out of here in no time," I think. I order my quesedilla to go. 5 minutes pass. At 10 minutes, I see the first guy's come out. At 15 minutes mine comes out.

I started thinking, "How can this be? It defies everything I've ever learned. 20 people served in 5 minutes, vs. 2 people served in 20 minutes. What kind of f'd up inverse relationship is going on here? Did I used to live in a worm hole or something? Is someone, somewhere travelling at the speed of light, thus slowing down all sense of time?" I figured it out though. THEY DON'T MULTI-TASK here. Cook gets an order, and he doesn't move from it until it's DONE. Start to finish. No interruptions. Can't be disturbed, lest anything happen to the huevos rancheros.

But it's not just this one place. It's everywhere. I keep getting in trouble no matter where I go. On the busier days, I'm like, "Holly, I'll be right back. Gonna grab some lunch." I keep taking the bait, and keep getting burned. I just don't see how these places can afford to exist. They process like 10 orders/hour. For real. What kind of profit margins do they have where they can get away with this? I swear I'm gonna start my own restaurant. I can't cook worth squat, but hell if I wouldn't get the food out quickly.