Melrose Place

Our new digs in W. Hollywood place us smack dab in the middle of the action, between Santa Monica Blvd., and Melrose Ave. For whatever reason, most of our early doings we needed to be on Santa Monica. Only recently did we take our first REAL foray onto Melrose. From what I can gather, it seems like a cross between the uptown, high end couture, Madison Ave. shops and the downtown St. Marks place funky boutiques of New York. Throw in a healthy dose of good ol' California spirituality, and you then have Melrose. Plus, Andrew Shue, former hunky star of Melrose Place, is an alum of my high school, so I felt an immediate kinship to the region.

My wife Bubba is heavy on the spirituality tip. As such, she'd heard about this book store from my boy Z, The Bodhi Tree, so we figured we'd check it out while she stocked up on incense and such. You know, gotta keep the chakras clean for the new year and all. I parked the car two blocks too early, getting temporarily disoriented as to which way was east or west of La Cienega. So, we're walking up the street, and we see a crystal shop. Bubba likes the crystals, so we go on inside. Indeed, they had a beautiful array of all kinds of sized crystals, geodes and whatnot. I felt like I was back in middle school science class, where for every show and tell, inevitably some kid would bring in some amethyst geode he found in his father's den. Anyway, while Bubba was checking out the jewlery, I sneak off to the side. Figure I'll at least inquire about something. You know, maybe get a few brownie points with a post-Christmas, pre-Valentine's Day surprise. I ask the woman working there, "how much for this piece right here?" She says, with a straight face, "$88,000." Guess Bubba and I are going to have to have clouded souls for just a little while longer.

Mercifully, we got the hell out of there real quick like, and got back onto the path to enlightenment, towards the Bodhi Tree. One door away, a t-shirt with an uplifting slogan (so uplifting that I've forgotten it already) catches Bubba's eye. We venture into this funky looking clothing store. Bubba comes across this lovely, flowing number. Again, it's just after Christmas, but for shits and giggles she asks, "how much for the dress?" "Oh that? $1,400." Sweet Jesus. Does it come with an Oscar? Now blinded by sticker shock, Bubba leads me by the hand to the Bodhi Tree once and for all. I will concede it was pretty neat. But I can't get over how many books there were on say, incense. How much is there to say? "It smells nice." "It'll make your home seem like a parlor." "It may bring you a little temporary inner peace." "If you're a male college student, it might help get you laid because the hippie chick you met in the quad might think you're spiritual and deep." Done and done. I did get a kick out of this one magazine though. I can't rememeber what it was called, but it may as well have been titled, "The Unabomber's Guide to Fine Hillbilly Living." In my 5 minutes of browsing alone, I learned how to heat my home for the winter using free, used deep fryer grease, as well as make a "Philly Cheesesteak" that doesn't have any meat in it. Alls I apparently need are some empty oil drums, a pump, and some soy.

Bubba was looking for something in particular, and the one salesperson we dealt with could not have been more rude and short. Even I of all people, could palpably feel the stink of her negative energy. Or as we locals say, she was puttin' out bad 'vibes.' She was better suited for the Port Authority ticket lines, not a spiritual haven. Honey needs to start dipping into the stash, as it were, to help change her attitude or something.

So God seems alive and well out here. At least on Melrose. He's just got a very Los Angeles attitude, and can come with a high pricetag.